The Curious Case Of The Bearded Hipsters

Note: This article is a tribute to Cinema Noir

I like big cities. But I never liked this one…

It feels like a post apocalyptic nightmare come to life and gone wild.

A would be biopunk city-of-industry. Dungeons. Sewers. Unfinished construction. Decaying roads. Mashup soundtracks.

And…Hipsters everywhere. Like rats they infest the sewers (sorry, the streets).

The combination of all this gives the town a comic feel. Southpark meets Marvel Comics.

It would be heaven for a comic book writer as the entire city has become episode after episode of comic proportions.

From it’s government, to politics, to economy, to community, to crime lords. Kind of like Gotham city. Or worse.

It’s to the point where one cannot take anything in this town seriously anymore.

This town needs an enema. Someone to step up and get things under control. A caped crusader. A hero.

But where would a hero come from? After all this is “real-life” even if everything around makes me think that it isn’t.

First Sighting:

I almost gave hope completely…

Until, one night, I spotted what I could only describe as holy light!!!

They were 4 hipsters, sporting metrosexual haircuts and long beards. Retro blazers, leather briefcases. Two are wearing hats.

They go about in town riding bicycles and pretending like it’s still 1942.

The Foursome Bearded Quartet!

When I first caught a glimpse of the Awesome Foursome Quartet at an out door terrace (ground zero), my immediate reaction was…WTF IS THAT??

So I lingered around to make sense of this sighting. A few minutes later, I realized that these four gentlemen were more concerned with the reaction they got than with anything else.

It was obvious who the leader of the rat-pack is. It was the guy who kept playing with his beard giving himself that landlordish authoritative aura. We’ll call him Alpha-Beard. The other three didn’t feel as comfortable as Alpha-beard in those ridiculous outfits. Clearly he talked them into it.

Suddenly out of nowhere, Alpha-beard takes out a cigar from his giant blazer pocket, lights it up and starts blowing. All I could think was how the colour of the cigar matched the colour of his beard.

I continued to walk down the street and never looked back.

Second Sighting:

Two weeks later, I’m sitting with my friend at a bar talking and suddenly out of no-where the fearsome beardsome quartet appears and grabs the table right next to us. HOLY-SHIT!!!

My conversation with my friend gets interrupted as I lose my train of thought in panic, not knowing what my next course of action should be. My friend doesn’t seem so concerned with the Quartet. He takes another sip from his drink and continues talking.

This time, given the proximity of where I was sitting relative to the Quartet, I use a mental trick to tune out the music playing in the venue AND my friend’s suddenly useless conversation in an effort to listen in on the Fantastic-4some dialog. Is it scripted? Is it improvised? Is it genuine?

It went down something like this:

I’m all excited now because I feel this is what the town was really missing. Something to give life to the backdrops. The town was like a $50 painting with no life, no inhabitants. The supernova change came too fast to this town that the dwellers (including me) did not fit in. They were out of place. Needed to adapt. Needed to become HIPSTERS of some sort. But what? It’s not that simple. One cannot shift from normal to hipster just like that. One needs to be influenced first. Then find their inner hipness, before they could wear it on the outside.

The Foursome Bearded Quartet awakened me up to a new phenomenon. The painting wasn’t bland. It was very much alive and kicking. Swarming with hipsters of all kinds. Everywhere I look now I see them.

My life in this town is turned upside down. It’s become an adventure. Everyday there is something new. I don’t know what to expect. I feel like being in a real life movie being filmed everyday. And I’m one of the main characters.

I owe it all to Alpha-Beard and his buddies.

But…the sad news is, they ARE hipsters. And they must be hunted down.

October 31st:

It’s Halloween night, and I’m thinking to buy a crossbow and dress up as Van-Helsing-Hipster-Slayer and hunt them down. I feel excited, because I have finally found my hipster role and my duty in this new world! I can now fit in.

Third Sighting:




I used to hate living here, now I kinda like it. I feel like a survivalist dodging the aftermath of a nuclear disaster or a hero in a Stephen King novel.

I like big cities. And I never liked this one….Until now…

Montreal – October 31st, 2013

A note: This article is obviously a very satirical view on the sad state of affairs in this city. But there is truth to it to some degree. So I let my imagination continue to run wild.


Meet The Author

I’m an entrepreneur and explorer. I write about things that inspire me, things that annoy me and things that I’m working on. I love journals, and think that any self respecting explorer should have one. click here for more.

Leave a Comment